Southern Discomfort

(The critical role of sausage biscuits in South Carolina politics)

You might have missed it. You might have slept right through it. After all, it took place on a lazy mid-winter Saturday. Plus, the college football season was over, having been replaced by the wildly popular sport of league bowling, where you almost never get to see any serious violence.

So you might have missed it. Maybe you were busy preparing your tailgating smorgasbord, before watching the breathtaking Professional Bowling US Open (brought to you by Lumber Liquidators!), featuring all your favorite Alley Warriors, who, for some unexplained reason, all have names like Mike Wzmlrzksi.

But this Saturday, here in South Carolina, we were getting ready to pick the next President.

Right after breakfast.

See, all this week, we’ve been trying our best to be polite, as the full slate of candidates careened across our state – staffers, know-it-alls, nabobs and news crews in tow – tying up traffic and babbling bromides, kissing hands and shaking babies, disrupting routine and interrupting breakfast, at diner after diner after diner.

Don’t get me wrong – in South Carolina, our role in picking a President is a responsibility we take very seriously … after we eat. In South Carolina, politics is sanctified.

But breakfast? Breakfast is imbued.

After all, it’s in the Constitution, isn’t it? Life, liberty and the pursuit of a Happy Meal.

Anyway, in case you missed it, here’s a handy recap of South Carolina’s Presidential Primary Day 2012. The blow-by-blow, if you will, the way I saw it.

After breakfast.

7.00am
In polling places all across the state, several million TV news crews poise, countdown “three, two, one, roll tape!” and simultaneously point their cameras at … nothing. A bunch of empty rooms.
Remember, it’s Saturday morning, it’s raining, and polling places don’t offer coffee.

8.00am
At a rally in Columbia, Governor Nikki Haley strongly endorses Mitt Romney, citing the undisputable fact that both their last names end in “ey.” Former Governor Mark Sanford was scheduled to appear, but he misread his map and wound up at a Brazilian micro-brewery.

8.01am
Current President Barack Obama surges ahead of all other candidates in the Democrat primary, or would have done, if there were any other candidates in the Democrat primary.
The incumbent reacts by singing four notes of “Pretty Woman” from the third tee.

9.00am
A poll conducted by Clemson University shows Newt Gingrich holding a slight lead. This confuses university officials, who were not aware that the school even had a Department of Statistics. Clemson’s arch-rivals at the University of South Carolina quickly respond by getting arrested for disorderly conduct.

10.00am
Due to a scheduling conflict, two Republican candidates show up, at the same time, at Tommy’s Ham House in Greenville. The combined weight of the egos collapses the floor, injuring seven patrons and 42,000 sausage biscuits.

10.30am
Despite heavy rainfall, poll-watchers say that voter turnout is very high. And contrary to some reports, primary voters in South Carolina, after voting, are NOT given stickers saying “I Done Voted.”
That’s what happens in North Carolina.

11.00am
Responding to a ‘conspiracy theory’ heckler at a Political Christian Scientist Monitor Versus Merrimack rally in Charleston, incumbent Barack Obama officially denies that he has ever been to Mars.
Ron Paul immediately demands that we withdraw our troops from Fort Sumter.

11.30am
Mitt Romney points out that “newt” is a synonym for “salamander.” Newt Gingrich fires back that Mitt’s first name is Willard, the name of a movie about a boy who likes rats.
Ron Paul immediately demands that we withdraw our troops from Hollywood.

12.00pm
At noon today, all across the state, political rallies are interrupted by hordes of car dealers wearing big hair and bad suits. A spokesman for the group, Jim “Jim” Gallstone of Cotton Mather Motor Sales, defends the bold action, pointing out that since candidates had bought up all the available ad time, this was the only way car dealers could get on TV to advertise their last sale ever, until next week’s last sale ever.

1.00pm
In a taped message from his bus, on his plane, on the way to a golf vacation, incumbent Barack Obama documents his qualifications by singing – FROM MEMORY – seven notes from “Mama Said” by The Shirelles. The crowd goes wild, and four women went into spontaneous labor.

1.45pm
During a debate at a Rock Hill diner, CNN moderator John “Larry” King presses Newt Gingrich to explain Newt’s choice of mustard-based, rather than tomato-based barbecue sauce. A deeply-offended Gingrich electrifies the BBQ-buffet lunch crowd, firing back that barbecue sauce is a deeply personal decision; plus, the biased national media wouldn’t know a pepper-rubbed flank from a Boston Butt.
CNN offers a butt-rub rebuttal, but I’ve already gone way too far with this joke.

2.00pm
A pundit points out that, for over 30 years, South Carolina has correctly picked the eventual Republican candidate, calling the state “kind of a litmus test for the South.” The SC Department of Education immediately schedules a “Teacher Work Day” so students can study, in case they need to take a litmus test.

2.30pm
At an Upstate rally, Newt notes all the young people in attendance. He points out that he’s always glad to see young people getting involved in politics, particularly that one hottie over there wearing the ‘Scooter’s Exotic-Like Pole Dancing & Lunch Buffet’ t-shirt.
Ron Paul immediately demands that we withdraw our troops from downtown Bangkok.

3.00pm
An MSNBC reporter in Myrtle Beach calls South Carolinians a bunch of gun-toting religious rednecks. The Greater Grand Strand Women’s Auxiliary Gospel Choir And Transmission Repair Shop scoffed at the characterization, and then shot him.

3.30pm
In an announcement surprising on several levels, South Carolina’s premier religious radio station (WASP) endorses The Shirelles for President. The endorsement comes from the station’s chaplain, a heavily-jowled AARP member with a Pentagon-sized pomade allowance.
During the station’s call-in segment, Al Gore claims that he invented Motown.
Ron Paul immediately demands that we withdraw Newt Gingrich from The Shirelles.

4.30pm
At a rally near North Charleston, GOP candidate Brick Sanitarium is injured after being gang-swarmed by adoring, sweater-vest-clad freshmen from Pinewood Prep School.
Incumbent Barack Obama immediately waives the freshmen’s student loans.

5.00pm
At a rally near Augusta National golf course, Ron Paul is interrupted by incumbent incompetent Joe Biden, who inexplicably yells “Go Giants!” and almost doesn’t swear.
Suddenly, Jackie Chan pops out of a water hazard, throat-chops Biden, and replaces Ron Paul’s iced tea with a V-8 Smoothie.

5.05pm
Local evening news leads with the breaking story that candidate Gingrich has, not three, but several dozen ex-wives. A Gingrich spokesman denies the allegation, but points out that Newt is the “family values” candidate, so the more families, the better.

6.00pm
Mike Huckabee, FoxNews’ official bass guitar analyst, points out that incumbent Barack Obama, in his first term as President, never once finished an entire song.
Due to a serious breach in security, Joe Biden manages to find an open mike and inexplicably promises federal subsidies for Hilton Head, so they can build more high-rise condoms.

6.55pm
Geraldo Rivera, desperate to inject himself in this humor column before 7.00pm, claims that, while covering a story in Aruba, he and Hillary Clinton had been shot at by Chechnyan rebels, and Jackie Chan.

7.01pm
The South Carolina polls are closed, and I couldn’t be happier, because all during this column I kept forgetting to write in the present tense.

Presidential Primary Day ends without incident. Nobody voted for Pat Buchanan by mistake.
Out of pure habit, Al Gore challenges the election.
And Ron Paul immediately demands that we withdraw medication from Al Gore.

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Posted by Barry Parham on 01/22/2012

http://barryparham.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/southern-discomfort/